The pain, the pain of ‘WHAT IF’

has been my friend ever since I can think.

‘WHAT IF, what if you hadn’t been born? Would mom had gotten the life she always dreamt of? What if…’

‘WHAT IF,what if dad hadn’t left? Would his words of affirmation have instilled warmth and confidence in you?’

‘WHAT IF, what if your skin was lighter, your nose was smaller? Would you have belonged?’

The pain, the pain of ‘WHAT IF’ has become a close confidant…
We talk often, we talk much.

Nowadays she asks ‘WHAT IF’ not only on occasion, but almost by the minute.

‘WHAT IF, what if you were skinnier? Would he notice you? Would he love you?’
‘WHAT IF you were prettier, would you belong? What if…’
‘WHAT IF you were less eccentric, would they accept you?’

‘WHAT IF you weren’t a woman would they respect you?’

The pain, the pain of ‘WHAT IF’…

For years I believed she had to be here was part of me, had dominion over me,

believed there was no escaping her…

Until one day…the day I encountered ‘HE SAID’.

 So now, though the pain of ‘what if’ is still real and at times overwhelming,

I am no longer helpless, no longer without defence.

 Now I meet her with ‘He Said’.
HE SAID I was worth dying for.
HE SAID he loved me before I was even remotely loveable.

HE SAID I was fearfully and wonderfully made…HE SAID

HE SAID he has wanted me from the foundations of the earth

HE SAID that I am accepted and chosen by him.

So whilst the pain of ‘what if’ still lingers, she no longer rules.
I may have to live with her but will no longer bow to her.
She has been conquered and defeated by the power of ‘HE SAID’.