UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I am under construction.
I know I don’t look like it.
I don’t sound or act like it, but I am.

Trust me.

I am no longer who I, who I used to be, but not yet who I am (it seems) SUPPOSED to be.
I struggle, I fight. I try to keep my head above the water.

I make mistakes. In my thoughts, my relationships…

I am under construction.

I’ve tried to be the manager of this peculiar construction site.
They said it was too close to home. Said I’d be biased, not objective and too attached.
But I wanted to be in control.

Wanted to prove to everyone that I could build my own building (monument?),
figure it all out by myself.

I am under construction.

I have failed. Time and time again.
A shaky foundation here, a gap in the grid there.

Not enough bricks, holes in the wall.

I am under construction.

Now I can see what they meant. I need a chief on this construction site.
Someone to take the reigns from me.
Someone with a plan – for my future, to prosper me and not to harm me.

Someone I can trust.

Will I be able to let go of control?

I am under construction.

I have said many times, that I would trust you.
That I would let you take the lead…

but EVERY SINGLE TIME I have snuck back on site, taken the building plans and tried to interpret them in my own way.

I know I can’t fix this. I can’t ignore it, deny it or make it go away anymore.

So I surrender.

I surrender to the master architect, the CHIEF (cornerstone), the builder of builders.

I don’t know what that will look like don’t know what it will mean (or cost?)
– but time’s up.
I’ve been under construction for too long.

It’s time to let you ALL in.

I know some things won’t change immediately, know at times it’ll be hard work (you working things in me – me watching and learning, starting to move with you in those wonderful rhythms of grace).

I lay it all down, for real this time.
No more stealing blueprints in the midnight hour, no more secret meetings.

I am still under construction – but now the MASTER-builder is in charge.
– Jess Mally
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